Most people think when God doesn't give them what they prayed for, that he just didn't answer their prayers. He did. . .the answer just isn't always yes. Sometimes, it's no. Sometimes, it's neither. But all prayers get answered just the same.
When Korvin was born, I got exactly the birth experience that I wanted, and prayed for. There were quite a few weeks leading up to it that I was prepared for the answer to be something other than yes. . .but in the end, I was given exactly what I wanted.
Looking back, I think I got exactly what I wanted then to help me deal with everything that would come after. Things I hadn't thought about. Things I didn't realize I needed to pray about. Things that were completely unexpected.
Nursing the first week was pure torture. The pain was unbelievable. His tongue and lip tie made latching a long and arduous process, and he could just as easily slip off, and we'd have to start all over. I thought once he had the procedure to correct the problem when he was 8 days old, everything would be better. . .but the problems had just begun.
His latch was so much better, and eventually the pain subsided, but he still had problems. He didn't like nursing on the right side. His neck was always twisted at a weird angle. He still nursed FREQUENTLY like something else was wrong. We started physical therapy when he was about a month and a half. By that point, we were having to supplement a few oz of goat's milk a day.
The soft tissue in his mouth was very tight; a result of the tongue tie. One side of his jaw was locked. His left hip was also locked. As those issues started being resolved, new issues arose. He cried when he ate. He choked frequently. He had reflux.
Reflux meds made everything worse, so we took him to a gastrointerologist, who sent him to have a barium swallow done. His physiology was fine, but his suck reflex was too strong. It was over developed from having to work so hard because of the tongue tie, and the residual tightness in his mouth. Once that had been resolved, he didn't have to work so hard; but he didn't know that. He couldn't control it. His liquids had to be thickened to keep him from choking. He stopped nursing. November 14th was the last time he did, and it was only for a few minutes.
I prayed. I wasn't ready for that. I didn't want it to end. I went to exclusively pumping, and making formula since I couldn't pump enough. I prayed that would change. I prayed he would figure it out, and start nursing again. The answer was no. Why? I don't know. Probably never will.
I pumped exclusively for 70 days. Yesterday was my last. I wasn't ready. I didn't want to stop. I needed my baby to have breast milk. It was so important to me. The last few weeks I've known it was coming. I was getting less, and less each time. The amount of time I was putting into it wasn't worth it. I knew that. But I didn't want to stop. I prayed.
It was time for me to stop. Despite all my efforts, and everything I tried, I was drying up. I wasn't ready. I WASN'T READY. I cried. . .a lot. I prayed. . .a lot. The answer? Well, the answer wasn't what I expected.
In the space of a week, 4 friends offered me their extra milk. That's not something I would have asked for, but something I'll gladly accept. 4 friends who were willing to share something with my son that was SO important. 4 friends that God used to show me that He could provide what I could not, and that it was time for me to let go.
Letting go is hard. . .especially when it's something so important to me. It's a lesson I've been taught many times before, but never had time to prepare for. . .and therefore, never fully learned. This might be the first time I've let go, and been at peace. Ridiculous you might say, but it's something any nursing mother could understand. Other friends that are nursing and myself have said many times that whoever said "don't cry over spilt milk" clearly never breastfeed/pumped. It's a big freakin' deal. I have no more milk to spill. I'm still sad. I'm actually crying right now. . .but I'm at peace.
I'm ready.
I'm going to put my pump away. Then I'm going to look in my deep freezer, and thank God for all the milk that He provided through my friends. Then I'm going to go to bed. . .and I'm going to be ok, because my son has been provided for.
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