This is my reminder

Most people think when God doesn't give them what they prayed for, that he just didn't answer their prayers. He did. . .the answer just isn't always yes. Sometimes, it's no. Sometimes, it's neither. But all prayers get answered just the same.

When Korvin was born, I got exactly the birth experience that I wanted, and prayed for. There were quite a few weeks leading up to it that I was prepared for the answer to be something other than yes. . .but in the end, I was given exactly what I wanted.

Looking back, I think I got exactly what I wanted then to help me deal with everything that would come after. Things I hadn't thought about. Things I didn't realize I needed to pray about. Things that were completely unexpected.

Nursing the first week was pure torture. The pain was unbelievable. His tongue and lip tie made latching a long and arduous process, and he could just as easily slip off, and we'd have to start all over. I thought once he had the procedure to correct the problem when he was 8 days old, everything would be better. . .but the problems had just begun.

His latch was so much better, and eventually the pain subsided, but he still had problems. He didn't like nursing on the right side. His neck was always twisted at a weird angle. He still nursed FREQUENTLY like something else was wrong. We started physical therapy when he was about a month and a half. By that point, we were having to supplement a few oz of goat's milk a day.

The soft tissue in his mouth was very tight; a result of the tongue tie. One side of his jaw was locked. His left hip was also locked. As those issues started being resolved, new issues arose. He cried when he ate. He choked frequently. He had reflux.

Reflux meds made everything worse, so we took him to a gastrointerologist, who sent him to have a barium swallow done. His physiology was fine, but his suck reflex was too strong. It was over developed from having to work so hard because of the tongue tie, and the residual tightness in his mouth. Once that had been resolved, he didn't have to work so hard; but he didn't know that. He couldn't control it. His liquids had to be thickened to keep him from choking. He stopped nursing. November 14th was the last time he did, and it was only for a few minutes.

I prayed. I wasn't ready for that. I didn't want it to end. I went to exclusively pumping, and making formula since I couldn't pump enough. I prayed that would change. I prayed he would figure it out, and start nursing again. The answer was no. Why? I don't know. Probably never will.

I pumped exclusively for 70 days. Yesterday was my last. I wasn't ready. I didn't want to stop. I needed my baby to have breast milk. It was so important to me. The last few weeks I've known it was coming. I was getting less, and less each time. The amount of time I was putting into it wasn't worth it. I knew that. But I didn't want to stop. I prayed.

It was time for me to stop. Despite all my efforts, and everything I tried, I was drying up. I wasn't ready. I WASN'T READY. I cried. . .a lot. I prayed. . .a lot. The answer? Well, the answer wasn't what I expected.

In the space of a week, 4 friends offered me their extra milk. That's not something I would have asked for, but something I'll gladly accept. 4 friends who were willing to share something with my son that was SO important. 4 friends that God used to show me that He could provide what I could not, and that it was time for me to let go.

Letting go is hard. . .especially when it's something so important to me. It's a lesson I've been taught many times before, but never had time to prepare for. . .and therefore, never fully learned. This might be the first time I've let go, and been at peace. Ridiculous you might say, but it's something any nursing mother could understand. Other friends that are nursing and myself have said many times that whoever said "don't cry over spilt milk" clearly never breastfeed/pumped. It's a big freakin' deal. I have no more milk to spill. I'm still sad. I'm actually crying right now. . .but I'm at peace.

I'm ready.

I'm going to put my pump away. Then I'm going to look in my deep freezer, and thank God for all the milk that He provided through my friends. Then I'm going to go to bed. . .and I'm going to be ok, because my son has been provided for.

Korvin update

I have 4 months worth of stuff to catch up on...

Korvin had a procedure done by Dr. Oser to release his class 4 anterior tongue, posterior tongue, and lip tie when he was 8 days old. The procedure should have taken 15 minutes, but took over 40 because of how bad it was. He was NOT happy about it, and it was torturous to hear him scream about it the whole time.

After they finished and brought him back to me, Kathy O'Brien (the lactation consultant present to help babies re-learn how to nurse) helped us start nursing. I had mastitis, and shredded nipples by that point, so it was painful. . .but sooo much easier. He nursed for 45 minutes, and then passed out for 4 hours. 

We had to do exercises on his tongue and lip for 2 weeks to keep the ties from re-attaching. . .4 times a day. . .and he screamed so hard he stopped breathing pretty much every time.

Once his tongue was all healed up, I noticed something weird about the way he was when he was on his side. It was like he was trying to touch his butt with the back of his head. He also never turned his head to the left. So we called his dr and took him in a week after his 1 month check up (at which he measured 8 lbs, 15.5 oz and 22 inches) to ask for a prescription to physical therapy. He thought it was just torticollis, and that stretching his neck would fix it. I insisted on PT, and since he said it wouldn't hurt he agreed to send us. 

At his PT evaluation, the therapist told us it wasn't exactly torticollis. More specifically, the right side of his neck and the right side of his pelvis were locked, the soft tissue in his mouth was too tight, and the left side of his jaw was too tight. Because he always turned his head to the right, the right side of his head was also larger than the left. 

He HATES physical therapy...for awhile I had to feed him the whole time to keep him from screaming. One day when he was about 2 months old he'd already nursed before hand, and then drank 8 oz which was all I had with me. He was still crying like he was hungry, even though I knew he wasn't. The 2 therapists working on him were convinced that he was still hungry, and couldn't continue working on him when he was screaming and tensed up. So we decided to end the session, and I would take him to the car and nurse. As soon as we walked out of the office and got on the elevator, he started grinning and laughing. . .and passed out when we got to the car.


He's made amazing progress though. He has full range of motion, his jaw relaxed, and the soft tissue in his mouth is much better. His head is still uneven, although greatly improved.


He also started teething way early, and about a week after he turned 2 months, the tip of a molar broke through. About the same time he started refusing to nurse, and would pull away and cry. On one side, he would routinely growl like a puppy, and shake me like a piece of meat when he was nursing. Eventually he refused to nurse at all unless he was pretty much asleep, and now won't even do that.


I've been pumping so he still get's breastmilk, but I can't pump as much as he needs, regardless of what I try. So since he had to have formula, I make it myself so I know what's in it, and where it all came from. Sounds like a lot of work, but my peace of mind is worth it...so is his health. Starting out he only needed about an extra bottle a day, so we were just giving him goat's milk and poly vi sol. Once he significantly increased the amount he needed per day, I started making formula, and slowly switched him over to using cow's milk.


Gradually he started refusing bottles too, and would cry and scream while eating, and sleeping. . .but not all the time. We took him back to the dr when he was 3 months old (where he measured 13 lb, 4 oz and 25 inches), and they started him on reflux meds. Previously, he didn't spit up a whole lot, but once we started medicine, he started throwing up. The dr wanted an update a week later, so when I called and told him what was going on, he decided to switch medicines and see if that helped. That made it worse. He started choking and aspirating when eating and puking.


His dr decided he needed to see a gastrointerologist to see if something else was going on. I had mentioned several times both to his dr, and other people that I thought it was because of the way he was swallowing. He would swallow giant air bubbles, and they, of course, cause gas and spitting up. We took him for his GI consult the day after his 4 month check up (where he measured 15 lbs 13 oz and 26 3/4 inches. . .pretty darn good considering all the issues), where the dr agreed with me that it was his swallow. His eating pattern usually goes: suck, suck, swallow, pull away and cry.


He is going for a swallow function test on Wednesday. Hopefully, they will figure out a solution, and he can start sleeping and eating without crying about it.


And those are the major updates on Korvin. Next post will be more entertaining, I promise. :)

Hormones. . .gotta love 'em

It was a rather rough weekend. I'm only supposed to be having 2 BH contractions an hour. Most days it's not even that many, but every now and then it gets worse. Friday evening there was one hour I had 5, and the rest of the evening I would have 3 or 4 an hour. I was feeling a lot of tension and discomfort in my lower back and pelvis (not from the contractions), and I was pretty sure that was why I suddenly started having so many. Patrick got home from work around 10pm and massaged my back and hips, and the contractions stopped for awhile.

I didn't sleep too well that night, and Patrick has to leave at 4:30am to go back to work on Saturday. I was hoping that sleep/resting all night would have kept the contractions at bay, but pretty much as soon as I got out of bed, they started back up again. . .usually 3-4 an hour. . .and these weren't the kind of BH contractions you don't feel. Patrick usually gets off work at 2:30, and is usually home sometime between 3:30 and 4. I was really not feeling well, so I asked if he could come home early. He got home around 1:30, and massaged my back again which decreased the contractions.

I got up after about an hour to go to the bathroom, and since my pelvis was messed up I was walking funnier than normal. I don't look pregnant from behind. . .I just look bigger than normal. Patrick was behind me and said "You know, from the back with the extra weight, the way you walk makes you look like a body builder. Especially with those tan lines." (I've spent a lot of time at the pool since it opened.) Now, I knew what he meant (he actually intended it as a compliment. . .haha), but irrational, hormonal me fixated on the "extra weight" part of that statement and went the "I'm fat" route when I looked in the mirror. He could have just mentioned the way I was walking, but in true male form he had to go and mention weight too. . .

Now, keep in mind that I've had a couple of hard days. . .pain/contractions/lack of rest, etc. etc. etc. Not to mention I've been on bed rest for 2 weeks now, and I've been home by myself the last week. All of this combined tends to put me in a less than preferable frame of mind. . .which I happen to be aware of when it happens. So even though he didn't call me fat, nor didn't imply that I was fat, that's still what my subconscious decided.

Laundry needed to be done (which I'm not allowed to do), so the two shirts I normally wear around the house were both unavailable, and I wanted something more comfortable than what I had been wearing. When my clothes aren't an option, it's time to check out Patrick's. I had him give me one of his shirts that I had been able to wear up to the end of my last pregnancy. . ..it was too tight. We went through the rest of his clothes, and nothing worked. . .except for one. His favorite shirt. My least favorite shirt. Size XXL. It looks like a tent. . .one you could probably hide an elephant in.

As I slipped it on and it fell into place around my belly, I started crying uncontrollably. Patrick asked why, and I wailed "It fits!" At which point, I also started laughing. . .because despite the fact that I can't always control the roller coaster ride these hormones take me on, I'm still capable of admitting how absurdly ridiculous it is.

So there I am laughing and crying hysterically, and Patrick's holding me and trying (unsuccessfully) NOT to laugh. It was pretty pathetic, so I couldn't stop laughing. . .but my hormones were in the way, so I couldn't stop crying either. How's that for conflicting emotions? Thankfully, one of my shirts was discovered in the dryer not too long after that. It made me feel much better. :)

The situation didn't help the contractions any, so when I calmed down it was back to lying down. I had an appointment with my physical therapist set up for Monday, and I was pretty sure things would be resolved by then, so I just needed to try to stay relaxed until then. Incidentally, that got much easier once Mom and Kadence got home. Who would ever have thought that a hyper active 3 year old would have a calming effect. . .lol

Sunday things were much better. . .most likely because Kadence was home. The baby (whom Kadence has named "Cowboy" for the day) kept up a high level of activity though. Sunday, Sunday night, and today. I'm not really sure what his deal is.

"Fickable ferathy" (what Kadence calls physical therapy) was today, so things feel much better. . .and the contractions are exactly where they're supposed to be now. I'm hoping they stay that way for awhile. Our next appointment with Kathleen is on Wednesday, so hopefully all the bed rest will have worked and slowed progress. Especially since we still have 3 weeks before Cowboy can safely come out and play.

Baby update

We had our 2nd sonogram on Friday, February 18th at 21 weeks, 1 day. It's a boy!! Poor Kadence...she really wanted us to have "Princess Sparkle," not "Jack Black." (Those were the names she had picked out for the baby.) When she called Grandma Patsy to tell her that she was having a little brother, she told Grandma that "It's Jack Black, but I'm sorry it's Jack Black."

I looked at the sonogram picture of Kadence from the same time...and compared the two. Looks like he has a bigger head.

Kadence alternates between being upset about "Jack Black" and being happy about him. Not too long after we found out, Patrick was carrying her up to bed and she yelled back downstairs "Goodnight Mommy! Goodnight Jack Black!"

For an entire day she kept telling me "I'm so sorry I have a brother." I told her that it was OK, Jesus really wanted her to have a brother...to which she responded "But WHY??"

We were at Children's Place and I found this shirt...I read it to her and she kept grinning, and said she needed it. Some day's I'll be getting her dressed, and she specifically asks to wear it.

When she's happy about him, she sings to him, and talks to him...and blows raspberries on him. We were cuddling in bed one morning and he was kicking, so I put her hand on my stomach so she could feel it. He kicked her, and she pulled her hand away and told me "Don't put my hand there! Jack Black will kick me!" She also told a lady at the store that "Jack Black is in my mommy's tummy."

She was sitting in my lap earlier (which doesn't have that much room anymore) and he kicked her back. She turned around and said "Baby, stop kicking me!" Then sighed and said "OK, you can kick me."

I've been making such a big deal about her having a little brother that she's finally getting excited too...the other day we were in the car and she told me "I'm so cited to have a baby brother." She's been telling me she's going to teach him how to play, and asking him to come out. "Baby, come out! Baby, come out!" I told her he couldn't come out yet because he was still growing. So she turned back to my stomach and said "Grow baby, grow! Grow!"

I started Physical Therapy last week...specific issues being pelvic rotation, and my sacrum not moving the way it's supposed to when I walk. However, I made it longer this time before ending up in Physical Therapy than I did last time, so yay for that. :) Because my pelvis is being kept where it's supposed to go now with the appointments and exercises, it's basically made more room for "Jack Black"...and since my first appointment with the physical therapist, his activity level increased significantly. It may be unrelated, but the Braxton Hicks contractions have also gotten more frequent and more uncomfortable. 

Speaking of BH contractions, I didn't feel them until the 3rd trimester with Kadence. This time I started feeling them around 20-21 weeks. So things have continued to happen WAY earlier this time around, so I'm still hoping for earlier delivery, and shorter labor. :)